As I searched for an au pair agency (I didn't end up using one but instead made a free profile on aupairworld.net) and host family I stumbled a little when I thought about what exactly I wanted in a family. Some profiles were obvious to decline, but others seemed warm, welcoming and honest about their expectations for and of an incoming au pair. But how can you tell which family is lying because they know what sounds good to potential au pairs?
The first step in choosing a family is to make sure you can skype with them, and if they have had an au pair previously, always make sure you get to talk to them. If you're not able to communicate with the au pair that comes before you, this is likely very bad (duh).
I was able to talk with my family's au pair before me, she is also from California and we share the same name - which was a freaky coincidence and nothing more. I am unbelievably grateful that I got to speak with her. She was candid about the family, as much as she could be with some other girl she had never met. When I decided on this host family and arrived here, we overlapped for about a month and she taught me more than I could have ever dreamed. I'm happy to report that she and I became very close friends! Shout out to Kaitlyn - I hope San Diego is sunny and delightful for you. :)
However fantastic Kaitlyn is though, or any au pair you come after, there will just be things that either they can not express to you or that you both handle very differently. Here are 5 things that I did not necessarily expect, and I wish I had known about before I arrived:
1. Living Where You Work Is Hard
This seems obvious, but when you want downtime to relax at home on a day off, often times you end up working or helping out. In my case, I'm able to retreat to the basement area or stay in my room. This isn't always possible depending on living situations though. And sometimes you just want a day to sit on the couch and drink tea and watch tv and sloth. You can't do that when the three kids you usually watch are making a playdoh pizza on the kitchen table.
2. Light Housework Is Not Always Light
In my contract it stated responsibilities as "childcare and light housework" it went on to give a percentage breakdown of "90% childcare, 10% housework". Most German au pair contracts are similar. The stories I have heard about whether the family's follow this breakdown vary wildly. In my case, I was afraid of this so I took care to ask my potential host mom what my responsibilities would be in detail. She was a little vague, which I should have seen as a warning sign. I am currently struggling with broaching the subject of how much house work I do. Based on comparisons with other au pairs, cleaning the kitchen/table and doing dishes after meals, picking up the kids' bedrooms, and doing your own laundry seems to be the most appropriate interpretation of "light" housework. My responsibilities go way above that and this leads to some resentment on my part, as well as me constantly going over my daily maximum of hours worked. So beware. Make sure to ask detailed questions about housework to the host mom, and the au pair before you (when possible). Then, if it doesn't match your expectations once you arrive, address it as soon as possible. This brings me to number 3.....
3. Negotiate Your Contract, Stand Up For Yourself When It Is Stretched Or Broken
Again, this is tough when you live with your boss. But if resentments and frustrations about being over-worked aren't talked about it is likely to explode in a big way down the road. Know what your contract states, and when they send you a copy to sign, actually read it. I read mine, and things still did not turn out exactly how I imagined them, and that's ok. It is then important to address those concerns and confusions as soon as they arise. Just like in any relationship with another person, communication with your host parents is key. I feel like I am a constant fountain of questions, but I should be! I am living in a new country, with a new family, speaking a new language. It's going to take me longer than 7 weeks to understand their intricacies and expectations.
4. Children Want Their Parents More Than You
Fact. Time can help this, but all kids want mommy and daddy to be the ones to sit by them, or brush their hair, or put on their shoes, etc. This can make you feel a little useless as the au pair. Give it time, sometimes just sitting there and talking with/distracting them is enough. Hopefully the parent will tell you when there are things that you can help with while the children are being particular. It can take a few months for this to even out and for the children to complete trust and accept you, just wide that wave patiently. So far, some days are great and other days all three kids scream when I try to help with anything.
5. A Big House Is Not Always Best
My host family has a new, gorgeous modern home. It's a gigantic cement block with walls of windows. This is nice sometimes, but there are two problems: everything is white and the place is huge. This means that with 3 kids under 5 years-old, all dirt and smudges show. Also, there's a crazy amount of surface area to clean. The upside is that I have great accommodations that are removed from the family, my living area in the basement is relatively private. I still have not decided if I would have preferred a smaller place where my room is in closer proximity. Everyone's ideal is different, but it's something to consider when choosing a host family.
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