Oh hi AUGUST. I thought we had some sort of arrangement where you would take your time in showing up but I guess we can't all be trusted. The end of this month marks a full year since I moved to Germany and oh my good sweet lord has it flown by. As they (we'll ignore who "they" are for now) say: "Time flies when you're having fun." Well I have been having loads of fun because holy crap one year?!
The past few months of chaos, happiness, anxiety, trepidation, visits from friends, hours upon hours of hard work, slothing, playing, beer drinking, picnicking, swimming, sweating (humidity is no joke), hunting for a new job, applying to job after job, worrying, filling streets and biergartens and riverbanks and bike trails with laughter, waiting and waiting and.... yep still waiting to hear back about a job, they have all made my life fuller and lovelier and much, much more jovial. This year has challenged me in ways I didn't think it could.
I have had moments of overwhelming intolerance for the way I've been treated by some, and felt my heart swell with new love for a man, and by little children who this time last year had not a single idea who I was. I discovered that the limits to my patience are much higher than I ever thought imaginable - and that the ways of life, love, child rearing, eating, staying fit, relaxing and so much more vary wildly from culture to culture and that within each culture everyone has their own way of doing it anyways.
I've seen first hand that there is not a single, correct way of living. The sure and safe day job that gives us insurance financially and mentally and literally in the form of healthcare, may not be the job for me. Or at least not right now. As my Au Pair year ends, I will spend most of August working (as the au pair before me did as well). August is a blitz of birthday parties, kindergarten closures, trips to other parts of the country by train and car with grandparents, and training our new au pair. All while getting closer to these little ones day by day even when I didn't think it was possible to care for them more than I already do.
Then when this flash of lightning called August ends, it will all be done so quickly. That's what I can not yet fathom. I have been explaining myself as currently being in the eye of the tornado. It's been so stressful trying to find a new job that will sponsor my little American self with a visa, and I've been working a lot in addition. Searching for a job is its own full-time job, most people who have done it know so. But as I sit here typing, I am not stressed. I am no longer anxious or worried, but during this blog's silence in the past months - I was paralyzed by a fear of the unknown. A fear of the oh crap what will happen if.....
I have been eagerly (okay sometimes desperately) longing for my time as an Au Pair to end, because it truly is demanding and exhausting. That said, now that I can see that end on the horizon I am greatly appreciative of what this experience has given to me. These kids have taught me a lot more about myself, I mean a lot. First and foremost that I do not want to have children for a long while. They're loving and curious and sometimes downright buttheads but hey, we all are. These little creatures are going to be sorely missed by me. I hope for their sakes that they love the new au pair fast and well, and don't miss me. I hope to have made an impact on their young little souls without dependency. I have no idea if that has happened and only time will tell.
As for now, I am preparing to ride out the other side of this tornado and (fingers crossed) have a full time job on the other side. I've got three or four options on the table now - it's currently a matter of interviews and offers and making sure all of the timing works out with my visa application. I won't overshare for fear of jinxing it. So when I have the job in a few weeks a new post will emerge.
Thanks to everyone on both of my continents who has pushed me, loved me, helped me and encouraged me these past few months. You know who you are and I love you all sincerely for it.
xo
